alright. honest.
honest is this. every day I wake up, and I miss you. some days I text you, some days I don’t. the days I do text you, you hardly respond. It doesn’t help when I text you and I know you’ve read the messages. and I know you can respond but you don’t. i’m vulnerable. this is a state in which you’ve never seen me before. and I can’t explain it to you. I want to, but you’ll feel like i’m attacking you if I try. and you’re justified to think that, because I’ll basically tell you everything that hurts me, and it will all be things you do. but i wake up and I am alone. not just emotionally, but physically. I have nobody to hug. nobody to kiss, nobody to tell good morning or good night. the only person I have ever loved with my whole heart and soul is not mine. she belongs to some boy i’ve never met and never will. regardless of what is said, what is done means more than anything. because I lived my whole life hearing what was said, and being alone, because nothing. was. done. you are the only person in my life who has ever made me feel comfortable just existing. everyone I know adds their little part to my life, but I can easily wipe any of them out of my life just like a chalkboard. there is not a single person I would fight to keep, my friends are like dust in the wind. except for you. you gave me a reason to love my life. you gave me a reason to get out of bed every morning. and I lost all of that the day we broke up. I never wanted to lose that. I woke up the day we broke up, and was determined as hell to fix our problems, and I was waiting patiently for you to come home that day so I could tell you. but I lost it all that day instead. so two months later, I’m sitting in my apartment. i’m alone. nobody to rest my head on. nobody to tell my troubles to. the only person I love, i trust, fights with me almost daily. this isn’t my choice. if I had the choice, we’d be happy again. you’d have never left. I don’t get these choices. I made the wrong moves, I made mistakes. I lost the chances I needed to fix this. my body is fighting back against it all, now. because I am the most self destructive person you have ever met. you don’t know it, you’ve never had to see me like this. without the right moves, without the right words, the right actions. i will lose everything, everything. not because of someone else, or something else. because of me. and I cling to people who see my smile and try to help, because they are the only people who have the energy left to fight for me. but in the end, I will hit the bottom. I will burn every bridge. I will severe every tie I have. I will have no friends. no lovers. no interests. no life. this is who I am. this is what I do. when I get hurt, I fight back. when I keep getting hurt, when it goes too far, I take the knife and I push it in until it doesn’t stop. I wipe the slate clean and I start over. I want you back. but this, this is what you are up against. this is what I’M up against. if you want me back, you have to help me overcome this, because I have never been strong enough to do it alone. I want to help you. I do. Every day that I try and fail, another part of me falls to my own devices.
this is where i stand. this is who i am now.
Source: google.com
